I’m very in tune with both words and my own feelings. Because of this, I tend to sound a little over-the-top when I’m describing my emotions, perhaps to the point of being melodramatic. While I don’t want to dull my poetic flair, I don’t want to come across as whiny or a complainer. I always worry that my poetry and speech will be scrapped in the “complaining” category, when to do so would be completely incorrect. It’s a challenge of mine that I’m still working to tackle. Some days, however, I give way to my dramatic side and let it wash over me like…well, like greasy spaghetti. It feels grimy and not fun. Although my feelings are real, and my writings reflect my true pain, they’re coated in the sticky sauce of slow recovery. By spending hours and hours in my emotional poetry, I’m stepping deeper and deeper into this spaghetti sauce that will slow my ascent back into happiness (or at least neutrality).
Today is such a day. Dark poetry has taken control of my brain and is steering it right into the ground. It does that sometimes, so I’m deciding to kick it to its rightful place again. Poetry will add to my life, not control it. Nobody but me controls my life. I’m standing up right now. I can be angry, sad, disappointed, worried, or whatever else, but I choose to flood my heart with the unlimited waters of truth. No more spaghetti sauce. No more relying on circumstances for joy. No more basing my self-worth off the opinions of others. No more. I’m saying goodbye to chains, saying goodbye to shackles, and saying goodbye to the lies. Right here, right now, I’m breaking free. (Sing it, Troy Bolton–we’re breaking free!)
I have lived my life drinking my own sadness like cold lemonade, when it was really just cold crap all along. Today that is changing. Today I will speak truth into each lie and let it go. If it comes back, which I know it will, so be it. I will tell it to leave me every day if I have to.
You will leave me right now. You are parasites in my heart, and I am ripping each of one of you out. One by one. Piece by piece. You do not control me. I repeat, you do not control me. To feelings of inadequacy, I release you. I am good enough, and I am not a failure. My future is bursting with opportunity, straight from the stems of my budding talents. You may exit through door one at the beep. BEEP! Get out, now! To feelings of worthlessness, I release you. I have infinite worth, and I am precious, cherished by those around me and by God. My life has meaning, and I will continue to discover my purpose. You may follow the feelings of inadequacy through door one now. To feelings of being second-best, I release you. I am God’s chosen one, his child. I do not have to compete for love and friendship, all I have to do is just be me. To feelings of guilt and shame, I release you. My past is forgiven, and I am clean. Who I was then is not who I am now. I repeat, who I was is NOT who I am now. To feelings of prolonged sadness, I release you. The joy of the Lord will be my strength, and I will no longer live in bondage to you. To feelings of self-hatred, to feelings of fear and anxiety, to feelings of loneliness and abandonment, I release you. I release all of you right now. You are no longer permitted here. All doors are locked, and I will no longer keep giving you the key. I am done.
This post started out with me attempting to justify my choice to sit in spaghetti sauce, and look where it’s ended. I honestly didn’t intend for this, you guys. I honestly didn’t. Look what has happened. Writing this has given me a new hope. Have I just had a life moment? Time will tell. This wasn’t staged, no matter how much it looks like it. I sat down at the computer, and something broke in me. I finally got tired of living this way. So I wrote what I thought, what I meant, what I felt. This blog has become a place of complete honesty–I am most honest here than anywhere else. It’s been incredibly therapeutic to me. How about I switch to daily updates?
I’m still kind of shocked at how this turned out. I’m in legitimate awe. I feel different, really–free and motivated. God can work through anything–even through writing one’s own blog!