From all of me

I have no more words right now. None. The well has gone dry. Maybe all the writing juices had to fill in for tears, because I’ve run out right now. I don’t know.

And I’m sorry that I don’t know. I’m sorry for everything. I wish I could make everyone’s dreams come true, but I can’t. I can’t be the best student, an amazing friend, a great family member, and a spectacular writer all at the same time. I’m sorry that I can’t do all that.

This is me. This is honesty, brutal honesty. I can’t pretend to have the answers all the time, to always have some sort of wise and quippy remark. I can’t pretend that I always feel loved.

Because I don’t feel that I can receive love right now. You could pour gallons of love on the parched wasteland of my soul, and it would all just evaporate. I want to receive it, I do, but I never feel quite full. There’s some deficiency in me; it’s been around for a long time, and I don’t know why it won’t go away. There is something wrong with me somewhere deep inside. An internal error. The section of me that gives and receives love is malfunctioning.

And I don’t know why.

I want to show that I love, but I don’t know how. I want to receive love, but there’s a blockage in the love artery. I’m so sorry this is happening.

I’ve tried to hide the fact that there’s a problem, because I’ve been embarrassed or afraid. Well, here it is.

THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME AND I NEED HEALING SOMEHOW.

I’ve confessed it. No more beating around the bush. No more sugarcoating, covering up, or lying. I enjoy my life, I am generally happy or neutral, but there is something wrong with me that I know is not normal. And I shouldn’t have to live with it any longer. I have tried to overcome this on my own strength, but I can’t. There is nothing more I can do. I’m so sorry that this is happening, that this exists, but it does. I try, but I honestly can’t even help it.

I’m feeling vulnerable. Emotionally naked. But if anything is going to change, I have to expose the issue.

And that’s my nugget of wisdom today. If it can be called that. Expose the issue, or nothing will change.

I’m done. Goodnight.

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