People wonder why I have so few guy-friends. Most high-school age girls (or at least at my school) have plenty of female friends and plenty of male friends. I don’t. I think I have a grand total of three or four guy-friends that I’m actually comfortable around, and only one of them goes to my school.
So, why? Why do boys freak me out?
Let’s take today, for example. I sit next to a guy in one of my classes. I said something funny (or at least I thought it was funny) and the guy laughed. Simple enough, right? Wrong. I immediately felt that he was laughing at how awkward and stupid I was.
I was totally okay with talking to guys pre-fifth grade. That was before any of the boys really discovered that they can be jerks. That was before people were really thinking too much about the whole “boy-likes-girl, girl-likes-boy” thing. So, I wasn’t always this way. I could talk to them (although at that age they really didn’t want to talk to me; girls had cooties). After fifth and sixth grade, I realized that some boys really are jerks and should never be trusted.
Seventh grade, however, was really the nail in the coffin. I was so desperate for a boyfriend–I’d have taken anybody. I chased just about everybody and got turned down 98 percent of the time. And of course, there was the whole James experience (The Infamous James). That really did most of the damage, I think. Blame it on James. That’s the way to go.
My social anxiety really appears strongly when I talk to guys. I hate it. I literally can’t do it without averting my eyes, fidgeting, and looking extremely uncomfortable. No wonder I don’t have guy-friends when I can barely talk to most of them. I’ve made myself a promise to never date again–like, ever. No more. My plan is that hopefully I’ll find a best guy friend, and we’ll both realize that no one else will ever suffice and we’ll just get married. No dating. Absolutely not.
This is one of the reasons I warn against dating, especially in middle school. Middle schoolers, in general, are not ready for that sort of relationship–girl or guy. And because dating ends in either breakup or marriage, I think it’s narrowed down to one option (considering everyone is twelve or thirteen). Someone will always get hurt. Mistakes will be made on both sides. It’s just a bad idea.
I hope one day I’ll at least be able to talk to guys. It’s crippling, really–not being able to carry on a substantial conversation. Can somebody please find me a boy who loves writing, and is kind, and generous, and loving, and who will be there for me through thick and thin? A boy who won’t try to date me or make any sort of advance toward me? Thank you.