I gave it my all today. Really, I fought with everything I had. I tried to just focus on my work, get everything done, and break through the endless fog. I jogged a little (that was forced by the gym teachers, but oh well), tried to interact socially, and keep my mind in one place for school. Hey, I tried. The results, however, were nonexistent. Nothing happened. The forecast is still foggy. Of course it is.
Now, I have one last thing to do tonight. Well, two. Sports practice (why did I ever sign up for this) and homework. Sports practice?! I’m literally the worst athlete on the face of the planet. No joke. Don’t kid around about being a horrible athlete with me, because I can assure you that you’re better. So why did I sign up for sports? I don’t know. It was a decision I made back in August. God, I was so impulsive. Why? Why?!
I didn’t go for an entire week. I just skipped and told everyone there was a scheduling problem. That I needed more time to do the things I love. Scheduling problem?! Besides school, I have church activities, and….and….nothing. I do nothing with my time. One by one, in the past few months, I’ve been dropping off the face of the earth little by little.
You know, if it weren’t for school and church activities, I don’t think I’d really do anything at all. In fact, I proved that to myself these past few days. Church was canceled on Sunday, and school was canceled on Monday and Tuesday. I think sometime on Monday or Tuesday I realized it–the whole weekend, I’d gotten out of my pajamas for a grand total of maybe three to five hours (and those clothes were really just less pajama-looking pajamas), brushed my hair once, completely neglected showering, and had really only moved to travel between my sofa spot and my bed. When I realized this, I almost could do nothing but laugh. God, I’m a mess. So what did I do? I forced myself to stop being a mess–physically, that is. So when I was clean and dressed (in a hoodie and yoga pants–it’s something, right?) I actually stepped out of my house (gasp!) and engaged in social interaction (even more gasp!). I actually pushed through it.
I continued pushing today. Talking to people in small doses, trying not to limp through the hallways like a dying snail, doing my best in PE. Little things to most people, huge things for me. Now the big test is here. Go out to sports practice, or decide to stop altogether?
Anyone who immediately says “go get ’em!” obviously hasn’t gone through what I’m going through. It sounds lame that basic hygiene and getting out of bed in the morning are that difficult, but they really are. They really are. So going through two hours of hard physical training is like…like…asking a fish to hula hoop. (Really bad analogy. Whatever.) It’s not going to work, is it?
Let me weigh the pros with the cons.
- Maybe make friends?
- Slim chance of having fun?
- Maybe feel good afterwards?
- Have to move
- Can’t listen to same songs over and over again on sofa while eating leftover Chinese food
- I just spilled Chinese food in my hair
It’s a tough one. (Not sarcastic, by the way.) Too often I take a risk and do it, and end up wishing I’d stayed home. Well, not too often. It happened like once. Still, though. It’s two hours long. Think of how much food I could eat during that time! All the minutes resting, all the songs listened to over again! Should I have to exert myself like this? Every single day?
Every single day. Oh Lord. Why did I ever sign up for this in the first place? If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t feel obligated to keep doing it.