Turning Fifteen

Today’s my birthday. I really don’t know where to start here. Do I reflect on my fourteenth year? Do I speculate about my fifteenth? I’m young, so I guess I have many chances to do both. For now, I’m just going to say thank you. If I was a different person, I don’t think I’d even be following my blog. But you guys are. I especially want to thank my veteran readers for bearing with me and my depressed ramblings from this past winter. Thanks to my friends and family, loving me through every goddamn mood episode. You guys are the best. 

Reflecting–hm. I can’t reflect on this past year. It was an up, then a down, and now an up again. I think I’ve come full circle. Well, not quite. I’ve gotten the best friends anyone could possibly wish for. I’ve gotten a little more spicy, if you will. Not in the sexual sense, I mean personally. I stick up for myself a little more. I’m more fiery, but I haven’t lost that dreamy, head-in-the-clouds aura. 

Speculating–I don’t want to do that right now. I don’t want to think about what will happen next. I do enough of that. Today’s my birthday, and I’m gonna party like hell. And, if any of you know me, I take my birthday incredibly seriously. 

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MBTI fans! (talking about myself again)

So I’ve become a little bit of an MBTI fan. Okay, maybe a little more than just a bit. Pair this with the love of talking about myself, and you get a constant stream of self-awareness personality stuff. Sometimes I sense people start getting annoyed because of how much I love talking about myself. It’s not in a selfish sense–it’s just so fascinating that the self can hold so much complexity. So, I will provide an in-depth explanation of myself here. If you get bored reading about other people, I’d suggest leaving. Right now. 

Contrary to what some people at school may think, I am an extravert. I thought I was an introvert for quite a while, but I have concluded that shyness was really the cause of that. (For those of you who don’t know, shyness has nothing to do with introversion. Introversion is gaining more energy from being alone; extraversion is gaining more energy from being around others.) So being around others was draining for me not because I was introverted, but because I spent so much time and energy focusing on my every move. Anyways, I feel gloomy after an entire day of not socializing. The reason some people at school may mistake me for an introvert is because I don’t go up and start a conversation every time I see them. 

Why not? you ask. If you’re energized by social interaction, why don’t you initiate conversation with these people? Well, you see, there’s also moderation to this–I’d feel annoyed after spending two full days with people I’m not extremely familiar with. Also, I have an Intuition preference as opposed to Sensing. Intuitive types are abstract rather than concrete, living more in the world of “what-if” rather than what is. They’re less interested in details than they are with the big picture. Extraverted intuition (Ne) is defined as “noticing hidden meanings and interpreting them, often entertaining a wealth of possible interpretations from just one idea or interpreting what someone’s behavior really means.” For ENFP and ENTP types, Ne is the dominant function. Often, Ne-dominant individuals need to take time alone to process everything they’re taking in. While they’re energized by external stimuli, they need to separate themselves from it to deal with this information, using either their Fi (introverted feeling) or Ti (introverted thinking). By the way, the lead function for introverts will obviously be an “i” function and the auxiliary will always be the opposite. 

Because I’m an ENFP, I use Fi to make decisions, as opposed to Ti. “[Introverted feeling] is a function that deals with the person’s own individual feelings and beliefs. Unlike Extraverted Feeling (Fe), which responds to the environment and others’ emotions, Fi deals with morals and what the person truly believes.” As most of you know, I’m extremely introspective. Rarely will you hear me say that I don’t know what I’m feeling. And anyone who knows even the slightest bit about me will know for sure that I’m driven more by my emotions than I am by objective measures and facts. 

Overall, the ENFP function order is Ne-Fi. But for those of you who are still confused, I’ll try to explain a little more. I’ve already covered the E, N, and F aspects of my personality, but you may not understand the P yet. P (Perceiving) types are more open-ended and flexible than J (Judging) types. And I don’t mean accepting of other people–J types have nothing to do with judgmental people, and they can be wonderfully tolerant–I’m talking more about lifestyle and scheduling. The P dislikes routine and tedious tasks. They’re comfortable improvising, and they’re more of procrastinators than Judgers are. They don’t like making decisions, and they don’t have the need for closure that J types do. 

Now I’m going to go into specifics of the ENFP type (sorry for those of you who are bored). ENFPs are known as the inspirers. They have a plethora of ideas, and they love sharing them with others. In general, they’re very quirky, and unlike their ENFJ cousins, they tend to display their weirdness for all to see instead of keeping it more under wraps. They’re spontaneous, dreamy, and bursting with ideas and conversation like bubbling fountains. And, at least from my experience, ENFPs can often appear as other types. When I’m taking in new information and feeling thoughtful, I’m mistaken for an INFP. Sometimes I can be quite ESFP-like, especially around my best buddies. (If you don’t know, ESFPs are stereotypically the loud, outgoing party animals of MBTI). I can be very ENTP around those whom I’ve formed a firm judgement against (though it usually takes a lot for me to form such a judgement, unless you make a comment incredibly out of line with my morals). 

I hate conflict. Unlike the ENTP, I wouldn’t go out of my way to debate just for the fun of it. I’m usually too concerned with getting my feelings hurt, or hurting the feelings of the person I’m debating. It takes a lot for me to be able to sever ties with someone I care about. When I’m angry at my loved ones, I become either very haughty and snappy, or I retreat into a steaming vat of self-hatred. Usually, it passes very quickly, and I end up feeling like an asshole either way. After severing ties with someone, I don’t give the silent treatment. In fact, I am still quite capable of holding a conversation, but I refrain from revealing personal details or talking about my life–which is rare for me, because I’m usually fairly open about myself, even with those I’m not extremely familiar with. I become controlled and private, though polite, and I’m likely to be open to intellectual sparring (thus my slight ENTP-ness), though usually not for the sake of elevating my own knowledge, but to feel accomplished after winning the debate. 

I’m usually the first to try a new thing, even if it’s stupid. Around my friends, I can be loud, assertive, and very focused on the present moment (I’m sometimes thought of as an ESFP). 

Anyways, that’s about it for my super long MBTI thing. I’d be happy to discuss any other types to the best of my knowledge. Sorry if I’ve gotten any of this wrong; all of this has been acquired in my spare time and through the Internet. 

 

 

North Pole

Are you ever a sugar cube? Sweet and square and packaged quite nicely, not a piece of you out of place. Are you ever mashed potatoes? Everywhere, messy, and illogical. Are you ever a jet plane? Metal streaking through the air at alarming speeds? I am the sugar cube mashed potato jet plane. I am the submarine that keeps beneath the surface, and I am the neon green yacht that screams and sings pop songs. I am both the spinal fluid and the spine. I am a cinnamon bun. I am a penguin. 

But most of all, I am the North Pole. I am on top. I refuse to melt into oblivion. I remain relevant, mysterious, seen yet invisible. I will fly across the earth in my metaphorical red sleigh, laughing merrily as I drop joy from the sky. I am the North Pole. I am so free. 

Seeking God

I seek God for meaning in my life because there’s something so empty about being so full. Full of irrationality, anxiety, regret, and pain. I can’t be a slave to my feelings anymore. I know that I’m meant to be more than a fragile leaf that crumbles at the slightest touch. 

Yesterday evening, I had an experience with the Lord. I was on the swing outside my house, as I almost always am when I experience His presence. We had a really good conversation, Him and I. I really believe that He is going to help me improve on my rationality and logical thinking. Last summer, when I became very close to Him, it was a very emotionally powerful sort of thing—crying, laughing, all sorts of connections using feelings. Yes, that’s certainly a part of it, but there are other ways of coming close to the Lord, too. I really think God is going to connect with me using my mind and thoughts, not just my emotions. 

Along with that, I am starting to realize that what I might find as my faults now can be used for good. Take my feelings, for example. My emotions, more often than not, carry me away into extremely negative states. I sometimes wonder if that’s a gift from God being twisted by the nature of this fallen world. God has gifted me with a sensitive spirit, empathy, and the ability to relate to others deeply. If I can learn to channel my emotions well, instead of having them turn into a circle of negative thoughts like a broken record, I think I can make a huge difference. 

Throughout my life, I have needed God to be different things to me. Back early in eighth grade, Jesus was my friend when I had nobody to confide in. He was my comforter, my beautiful flower, my radiant sunset. Right now, I need him to be my rock. My anchor. I often feel aimless and out-of-control, floating, carried by my emotions. I can’t live like that. I need security, a pillar of strength, and I know Jesus can be that for me. Really, I have faith that He can. 

Some people say stuff like “God won’t give you anything you’re not able to handle.” I disagree with that. I think God will give us things we can’t handle, because He wants us to turn to Him. If we could handle it all by ourselves, there wouldn’t be any need for a higher power. I need Him. I desperately, desperately need Him. So I will seek.

And, as it’s written in Matthew 7:7, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” 

A Life of Extremes

You could call me an extreme life-liver. Moderation has never been my strong point. I’m on or I’m off. I’m hot then I’m cold; I’m yes then I’m no–thanks Katy Perry. I’m either closed to the world, refusing to reveal even a scrap of emotion, or I’m a constant stream of tears and feelings. I can be a shy and anxious hermit who leaves the house only for necessities, or I’m the unique life-of-the-party with an insatiable need for socialization and stimulation. I am the rusty van that barely leaves the garage; I am the sports convertible being chased by cops all the way down the highway. I’m all or nothing. 

I’m trying to teach myself practicality and logic. No matter which extreme I happen to be at, I’m never rational. I never think in terms of what is true, what is factual, what is in my best interests. And I need to. It’s really quite straining to be flying back and forth between sloth and cheetah, so I think a little rationality might be good for me. I kind of feel bad for my friends and family for putting up with me. It’s not like I don’t try, I just think it’s hard for moderate sort of people to understand. Not that I’m making excuses or anything…

Handlebars

Handlebars

A friend introduced me to this song, and it so describes me in the past few weeks. I can do anything! I’m, you know, titanium. (Ever heard that song? You better have.) I don’t normally like anything with rap in it, but I must say this song is the bomb. 

Impractical Packing List

You’re going on a two-week backpacking trip through the Rockies. I’ve created for you a wonderfully impractical packing list…

  • Boom box. A little music in retro style for the trip!
  • Stilettos. Wait, you’re not going to stop for some stylish partying?
  • Thirty-seven cartons of blueberry cream cheese. 
  • One bagel.
  • No changes of clothes.
  • Your refrigerator. Hell, you might as well eat.
  • Dandelions, buttercups, and foam soap. For your tasting pleasure.
  • Adam Lambert. What is Adam Lambert not good for?
  • One sock. Just one. Not two, not four–one.
  • One hiking boot. For the sock.

 

Blog Update

I’m back!!!! Well, I didn’t really leave. I’ve just forgotten to blog. Well, not forgotten. I just have the attention span of an underaged chimp on a sugar high. But hey, it can work to my advantage. New thoughts, new ideas, new adventures, right? Since the past time I blogged, I’ve created a bucket list, started writing another short story, created five Pinterest boards, composed countless new songs, eaten soap (more about that later), eaten flowers (I’ll get to it), waded in a creek, put buttercups in my hair and stood on the rocks at my school, become totally obsessed with a certain app, etc. etc. etc. etc. et.c.et.ce.t.ec.et.ec.et.ec.et.ec.ef.et.ec.ert.edadsfajkleopijf

Gotta love my buzzing mind. I love it. It’s wonderful. I’ve become so social recently, I can’t go an afternoon without hanging out with someone. I mean sure, I’m an extrovert, but not to that extent. But hey, I’ve got all these ideas, and I’ve just got to bounce them off other people. I want to talk! 

Anyways, the soap. I’ve been especially interested in eating strange things recently. Today in school, after washing my hands, I decided that hey…soap smells good…so it must taste good, right? I shoved a handful of foam in my mouth, and immediately discovered I was wrong. Of course now I know that soap doesn’t taste good. Well, I knew that before. Somehow I just get to thinking that maybe this time will be different. I lose my better judgement, in a sense. But hey, it was a nice experience, other than the bitter flavor. You haven’t really lived if you haven’t had foamy soap in your mouth. 

And flowers! Flowers aren’t as bad as people make them out to be. Dandelions are bitter, in a honey sort of way. Buttercups (the stems, at least) are the same. Cherry blossom flowers feel so silky and wonderful. Hey, I should write a book about the tastes of various flowers. I’m my own guinea pig. 

Last night, I got a wonderful idea for a short story. I wanted to start writing it, but the damned meds made me fall asleep before I could organize my characters and plot lines. I mean, I guess sleep is good. I’m glad they help me sleep, but there just aren’t enough hours in the day, you know? If I could control time, there would be 48 hours in a day. I’d spend my required seven in school, a total of three for meals, seven for sleep (maybe six or five or four, depending on my inspiration level), and the rest could be for learning to skateboard and ride a horse and play chess and writing and composing and playing my online burger-flipping game. 

Anyways, yeah. I’m going to go outside on the swing and feel the fresh breeze tousle my hair, drink in the vibrant colors with widened hazel eyes, and feel like an artsy princess. Bye! 

Little Reminder

Hey, you. Did you know that you’re loved, that you’re worth loving? I want you to know that you can change your own life. It doesn’t have to stay this way. If you’re not happy with who you are right now, you can start to change that. It’s a process–I know, as I’ve begun it myself–but it’s certainly possible, because many people go through with that process. In fact, I’m not sure it ever stops. We’re consistently improving and bettering ourselves. You’re capable. Nothing you’ve done, nothing that has been done to you, will ever change that fact. There’s a reason why you’re here. Literally, grab life by the balls and run. You’ve got it. I want you to know that I’m rooting for you. And if you’re a Christian and it helps to know this, remember that God’s love never fails, no matter how awful things get. God believes in you, and I believe in you. I understand. I half wrote this for you, my dear reader, and half for me to reassure myself. Because honestly, we can all get stuck in anger or circling thoughts. We can all be self-centered. I am, undoubtedly. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. We learn. We grow. And remember, whether you’re a Christian or not, pain often causes growth. Remember when you were younger and you had all those growth spurts? It hurt a lot. It was painful. But you got taller! This is just the same thing. Emotional growing pains. 

I love you. And remember–don’t stay strong. Never just stay. It’s okay to break down, just pick up the pieces and build yourself up even stronger. Keep building. Never just stay strong. Keep getting stronger. 

Have a wonderful day.