Seeking God

I seek God for meaning in my life because there’s something so empty about being so full. Full of irrationality, anxiety, regret, and pain. I can’t be a slave to my feelings anymore. I know that I’m meant to be more than a fragile leaf that crumbles at the slightest touch. 

Yesterday evening, I had an experience with the Lord. I was on the swing outside my house, as I almost always am when I experience His presence. We had a really good conversation, Him and I. I really believe that He is going to help me improve on my rationality and logical thinking. Last summer, when I became very close to Him, it was a very emotionally powerful sort of thing—crying, laughing, all sorts of connections using feelings. Yes, that’s certainly a part of it, but there are other ways of coming close to the Lord, too. I really think God is going to connect with me using my mind and thoughts, not just my emotions. 

Along with that, I am starting to realize that what I might find as my faults now can be used for good. Take my feelings, for example. My emotions, more often than not, carry me away into extremely negative states. I sometimes wonder if that’s a gift from God being twisted by the nature of this fallen world. God has gifted me with a sensitive spirit, empathy, and the ability to relate to others deeply. If I can learn to channel my emotions well, instead of having them turn into a circle of negative thoughts like a broken record, I think I can make a huge difference. 

Throughout my life, I have needed God to be different things to me. Back early in eighth grade, Jesus was my friend when I had nobody to confide in. He was my comforter, my beautiful flower, my radiant sunset. Right now, I need him to be my rock. My anchor. I often feel aimless and out-of-control, floating, carried by my emotions. I can’t live like that. I need security, a pillar of strength, and I know Jesus can be that for me. Really, I have faith that He can. 

Some people say stuff like “God won’t give you anything you’re not able to handle.” I disagree with that. I think God will give us things we can’t handle, because He wants us to turn to Him. If we could handle it all by ourselves, there wouldn’t be any need for a higher power. I need Him. I desperately, desperately need Him. So I will seek.

And, as it’s written in Matthew 7:7, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” 

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