People who are close enough to me have seen me angry, and most likely, they’ve seen me angry in different ways. I’m unpredictable; so I don’t react exactly the same way every time. I vary, just like everything else in my life.
Reaction 1: Asshole Façade
This reaction is probably the most vicious of my anger reactions, and it’s usually anger stemming from fear or embarrassment. Screaming isn’t involved in this type of reaction. Usually, my eyes get a sharp, wild look in them, and I start smiling. Yes, smiling. It’s a cruel smile, meant to mask wounds. I become a cold jerk, seemingly emotionless. Despite apparent detachment from emotions, there are always extremely strong feelings brewing beneath the mask–fear and embarrassment, as I mentioned earlier. The Asshole Façade reflects uncertainty. Did that really happen? Was I really that stupid to not notice that? What will happen? What will they think?
Reaction 2: Inward Knife
This is the most tearful reaction, and probably the most common in me. It’s definitely a hurt kind of anger reaction. You’ve hurt my feelings. I feel rejected or unwanted. I feel replaced. My first desire is to turn my metaphorical knife on whoever hurt me, but it turns out as a feeble stab, and ends up backfiring on myself before I get the chance to lash out. The Inward Knife usually manifests itself in copious tears and withdrawal. I retreat into myself, where I attempt to lick my wounds and vainly regain my composure. Loose blame floats around, and there’s some sort of mechanism within me that immediately attaches it to myself. When asked if I’m okay, I usually try my hardest to convince everyone that really I’m okay, or my anger reactions to transfers to the Asshole Façade immediately. (Inward Knife and Asshole Façade can sometimes occur at the same time.)
Reaction 3: Tornado
This is the by far the most frightening anger reaction, complete with throwing objects, full-blast screaming, and insults hurled every which way. I lose all rationale with the Tornado. Anything in my hand will most likely be chucked against the wall (throwing objects is my most common manifestation of the Tornado). There is no forethought. I am the most destructive while in the Tornado reaction. There have been times where I have destroyed things that I actually care about in this irrational state. I’ll blow my voice out and shout insults that I don’t mean. Emotionally, however, the Tornado is less hurtful than the Asshole Façade. Like I said, I lose intelligent thought when I’m storming, and therefore cannot craft the most insulting remarks. The best I can think of is usually “I hate you” and many swear words. With the Asshole Façade, I still have control over my thoughts, and can brew the cruelest insults. Thankfully, the Tornado reaction usually only occurs in the most extreme states of stress and fear.
Reaction 4: Righteous Anger
I only display this reaction when I hear a statement that goes against one of my values. It’s calm (although it can escalate quickly), much like the Asshole Façade, but with half the viciousness and none of the arrogance. My eyebrows are a bit more furrowed, with a bit of a thoughtful appearance, and my eyes tend to be narrower, as opposed to the saucer-like eyes shown in the Asshole Façade.