My life, for a long while, has been plagued with uncertainty. I have felt aimless, directionless, a victim of fate. I admit to taking a defeatist, “it wasn’t my fault” attitude. Recently, however, I’ve been having some realizations as I travel through this unpredictable existence of mine. For once, I feel like I’m really grabbing life by the balls and refusing to play the role of the lost, helpless little child. And at the same time, I’ve been letting go of what I need to let go of. I’ve been having less inner freak-outs (which I used to have at least once a day). I don’t need to be the center of everyone’s world anymore. I refuse to lap up validation like a starving dog. What is most important is that I live life in line with my own values and beliefs. I see myself applying logic and objective reasoning to what used to cause such me such heartache.
But of course, this doesn’t make me any less sensitive. In fact, I’m learning to love and appreciate my highly emotional side. It is a part of me that has been unhealthy for a long time, but I believe that now that I’m gaining control of it, it can be a blessing. I’m leaving the endless maze of my head and stepping out into the world for what feels like the first time. I’m more perceptive now that I’m becoming less self-absorbed. I have the capacity to listen to others now. I’m still going to mess up sometimes. There are going to be times where I slip back into my old doubts, my old inability to receive love, but I feel that for once I’m in control of my own life.
Practically, I realize that relapse is a very probable part of my future. Before I die, I’m probably going to become depressed again. I expect to be manic again. But it just doesn’t scare me like it used to. Nothing is going to stop me from achieving, from believing, from living. I am going to live my life to the fullest, knowing that I’m never alone. I will always have family, friends, and the Lord, most importantly. I’m Abigail Johnson, damn it. I will ride these waves of life like a mothertrucking boss.