I absolutely refuse to cave in. I refuse to give power to these intense feelings. Feelings are feelings. That’s all they are. I cannot control what they are, but I control my reactions to them. Hold on, let go, hold on, let go. It’s a balance. Right now, I’m letting go. I am allowing these emotions to fly away. Fly away. Fly away. Take a breath. It’s temporary. All of this is temporary. I will get through this. You know why? I’m one strong motherfucker. These are MY emotions. They belong to ME. I do not belong to them. Fuck this power imbalance. The tables are turning now. The wheel of this car is mine, and I’ll drive it whenever and wherever I damn well please.
Fly away. Fly away. Fly away.
Back in October I told life to come at me. I told it that I was an empty bucket ready for all the rain it could dump on me. My promise was that it would have to work really damn hard to rip the smile from my face. And it has tried. It is trying. 2014 has been the shittiest year I’ve ever lived through, and I say so in all seriousness. But I refuse to just throw in the towel. I’m going through a terrible time right now. I feel far from God. I’m cynical and full of unwanted feelings. But I’m impressed with my own resilience. Every time I go for a run, every time I turn in an assignment, even whenever I smile, I’m holding my middle finger in the air. I hold it proud and true. There is no way in hell that I’m succumbing this time around. I keep losing, losing, losing–I never know what next what will be taken from me. But you know what? Life can take anything, anything at all, but it can never take my soul.
Right now I need your prayers more than ever. Right now I need some hugs, listening ears, maybe some gummy worms. Okay, not maybe. I really need some gummy worms.