I am, at the moment, plagued with feelings of doubt and anxiety. It has been ongoing since about yesterday afternoon. I was incredibly happy with my Friday (how much I’d blessed people), but the happiness quickly turned in to anxiety and has not relented since. I have been obsessing a lot in the past few days. Mostly about the past, the future, the present…wait, that basically covers everything, right? Everything is so damn confusing, that’s what. Isn’t this such an Abigail problem to have? Of course I’m having issues with feelings. I always have issues with feelings. I’m sorry, I’m just trying to publish a blog post. There was supposed to be some sort of message here, some sort of poetic value. I haven’t lost faith in it.
Truth is, I feel like I’m just starved for love and attention right now. I wouldn’t use “starved” because that’s melodramatic. I am lonely in life, but especially right now. I’m so lonely that I would hit up a club. This is more of a temporary sort of loneliness than the sort I’m experiencing in life right now. Sort of a more acute sense of loneliness in a sea of it. I want to buy a few cheap disco balls and invite about thirty people over. I have a whole dance playlist, too. I don’t even care who the people are. Strangers off the street. Random people you find in a back alley, I don’t care. My mind is a bit of a cloud right now. Imagine trying to cut through thoughts like thick, hardened butter.
There’s a lot of doubt in my mind also (as I mentioned earlier). Sometimes I get this chilling feeling that things aren’t real. I over-analyze, over-analyze, over-analyze, and then end up with a bunch of loose ends and upset feelings. Dead ends, really. Imagine if we could relive anything we wanted to. Imagine if we could go back in time and inspect ourselves, objectively, on every single day of our lives. Imagine that–going back and being able to see all those wonderful and painful memories from someone else’s view. What I mean to say is that the mind is such a confusing place to be. PMS is such a confusing thing to experience, that’s what. Everything is confusing. I just really felt like I needed to publish a blog post. There is redeeming value in here, somewhere.
If we’re talking about wants, I want the past back so I can change it. Just to see how it would be different if things were…different. Maybe that would solve all these feelings. I also want a party. I’ve never actually had a party at my house, not for a long time. I mean the sort of party with disco balls, strobe lights, dance music. Maybe that’s just coming from loneliness. Damn it. Loneliness and stress and PMS do weird things to you. If sleep would come and wash out this anxiety and doubt, I would be very pleased. A feeling of sleepiness will eventually come over. In the meantime, I think I’m going to lay in bed and wait for it instead of writing blog posts that don’t have the value I intended for them.
I need to publish this, though. Because there’s meaning in here. It’s somewhere. You just have to look. Look for it. If you can’t find it, it will find you.