Ideal Teenager

Hi! My name is Ideal Teenager! I’m a straight A student–no, not one A minus! But of course, I don’t stress about it at all. It just comes naturally. Yes, I do all my assignments as soon as they’re assigned, and I always get them in on time. School sports are my life! In fall, I play field hockey; winter, I play basketball; spring, I play soccer. All varsity, of course. I’m also the head of the Bible club. I make sure to read at least three chapters of the Bible every day, and I always pray at least ten minutes before I go to school, and before every meal–even lunch. I don’t just pray at lunch–I get my friends to pray with me, too! Evangelism comes effortlessly to me, as does making conversation in general. I love talking to people in line at the grocery store, and I always manage to mention my faith. I have a part-time job at Chick-fil-A, but I only use that money for charities and tithing. Speaking of jobs, I’m a babysitter! Children always reciprocate the love I have for them. I also love to exercise. Every morning, at five, I go for a three-mile jog–after I read my three chapters of the Bible, of course. I’m very active at my church. I sing on the worship team, volunteer in the nursery, and occasionally serve as an usher. I’ve only cursed six times in my entire life. I wear a cross necklace and a purity ring everywhere. Yes, a purity ring. I’m even saving my first kiss until I’m married. I never wear tank tops or shorts above the knee. I’m always going on mission trips. I know how to do everything with my hair! I can make a perfect french braid in less than twenty seconds. I’m also the queen of eyeliner–I can make perfectly sharp, even wings every time! My self-esteem is really good. I have just the right level of confidence. I live and breathe optimism. Expect the best, because it will probably happen. I don’t take any medications because I don’t have any illnesses. Even if I did, I could cure them all with prayer and maybe a multivitamin. Everybody at school knows and likes me. I’m always being invited out to parties, but don’t worry, I don’t ever drink anything. I’ll be a teetotaler my whole life. You can forget about drugs of any kind. I always respect my parents and agree with all their opinions. They know everything about me. I have no secrets, and very few regrets. The only thing I regret is spending a paycheck on clothes instead of giving it to charity. I know how to play the guitar, piano, and french horn. I’m fluent in Afrikaans. All my prayers are answered. Whenever I get anxious, I can calm myself down immediately. If I get sad, I talk about it with my parents and listen to upbeat praise songs, and it always makes me feel better a hundred percent of the time. I have a keen sense of what people want, and I’m really good at comforting people, but I’m also very tough. Nothing gets under my skin. My eyebrows are perfect. Every color looks good on me. My room could be in a magazine. I could be a model, but I think modeling is immodest and of the devil. I’ve been in five school drama productions. I’ve been to remote parts of third world countries to plant churches. I always recognize God’s voice, never mistaking it for my own thoughts. I know all the popular songs, fads, and memes, but I only listen to Christian music in my free time. My resting face is a smile. My favorite foods are celery and power smoothies. I’m at exactly the 50th percentile for height and weight. I have 20/20 vision. I don’t need deodorant because I always smell like gold, frankincense, and myrrh. I always remember my dreams, but I never have nightmares. I never needed braces. I’ve read the Bible fifty-two times.

Hi, I’m Ideal Teenager. What’s your name?

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