The Worst Wedding

Recently, I’ve secretly taken an interest in my future wedding. Well, not that it’s any surprise. I spend a lot of time fantasizing about how great it will be. How about I imagine a different wedding–the worst one I can possibly imagine?

The wedding is set on a beach. Contrary to the weather forecast, it suddenly begins to rain. First it’s a romantic downpour, but then it quickly turns into a miserable drizzle. The decorations were all rustic paper, so now they’re ruined. The bride ordered her wedding dress online. It only arrived on the morning of the wedding, and it turns out that it’s a completely wrong size–and wrong color. The dress is five sizes too small and in a loud, pepto-pink. There is no time to do anything else. There are no other dresses.

On the groom’s side, he is running hopelessly late. Attempting to get to the wedding on time, he pushes 60 on a 30 mph street. He is pulled over and ticketed. The poor groom shows up late to his own wedding. He accidentally spilled ketchup all over his white seersucker suit (he was having a quick snack).

Half the wedding party has to bail due to severe food poisoning. The photographer is included. They find a sympathetic teenager off the street to take their wedding pictures with her phone. None of them turn out right at all. Both the bride and groom have a nasty cold. He has mostly lost his voice, so he can’t say the vows. When they kiss, she sneezes in his face. The bride also forgot to go to the bathroom before the ceremony, so the whole time she really has to pee.

But ultimately, it isn’t the worst wedding. Why? Because the bride and groom are in love. They are committed to one another. Isn’t that what a wedding is supposed to be, anyway?

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