Towards the end of eighth grade, I had a resurgence in my love for writing. All in one day, I signed up for three writing community websites, subscribed to two free writing newsletters, nearly finished a short story I’d only begun the day before, and started this blog. I wasn’t sure what to call it, so I stuck with “thiscrazywriter.” There was no doubt that I was a writer, and I was definitely a bit of a kook, so the name fit. I really didn’t expect the blog to go anywhere; after all, I’d started and abandoned hundreds of projects in my thirteen (almost fourteen) years. But I guess something about blogging caught me before I could fly out the door in pursuit of another creative dead-end. Maybe it was the joy of being heard. The internet was the podium I’d always wanted, but without the anxiety of speaking to crowds. From the comfort of my own sofa, I could write and edit my own words as much as I wanted to before sending them out into the great big world.
The summer before ninth grade was an extremely introspective one. I spent hours of time uncovering my past, particularly the negative events. They began to consume my thoughts, so naturally I incorporated them into my blog posts. When ninth grade actually rolled around, I was seized by crippling perfectionism. The resulting self-criticism coupled with that brooding resentment for my past gradually turned thiscrazywriter into a much more revealing place of confession. Essentially, the focus shifted from my thoughts to my feelings.
Early in November, my life went to complete shit. Because October’s stats had boomed, I’d felt obligated to continue putting out quality posts. I even admitted that my inspiration was shriveling. My posts became pretty miserable by December, documenting my daily, depressed life. (Here is a post that very accurately describes that month for me.) I think the quality of my writing decreased sharply, despite the fact that my output was remaining steady. This is partly due to the fact that I spent most of my time on the computer with absolutely nothing to do, eating chips and not really thinking at all.
January was a turning point in my life (a story in and of itself, really). My outlook on life changed significantly. It was then that I began to learn and advocate for self-care. All my posts–or most of them, at least–reflected that. It was in February that I changed my blog title to Dauntlessly Cautious. I decided that it better represented the person I’d grown into: an interesting web of contradictions, including the quiet and the gregarious, the relaxed and the neurotic, the compliant and opinionated, the dauntless and the cautious. Thiscrazywriter remained as my blog URL and secondary title. It seemed even more fitting than it had back in April (when I began the blog) because of my dealings with mental illness. I called myself crazy because of these mental health problems, while simultaneously raising awareness of them. Around April, May, and June of 2014, more stuff arose that affected my posting habits, and I don’t feel like going into them right now.
From then until now, things remained mostly the same. Dauntlessly Cautious is a place of both critical thinking, opinions, feelings, and rambling. It truly represents my authentic self more than it had when I started it, I think. Early this month, I made the decision to commit to blogging again. I’d really neglected it, and I wanted to bring it back. So here I am. I may have found my passion again. After all, I want to write for a living. Dauntlessly Cautious (thiscrazywriter) has changed me. It has kept me writing even when I didn’t have that much inspiration. It provides me with the window I need to examine my past in a more objective way. I have no idea what the future holds, but this blog is here to stay. 🙂