A Directionless Soul

I’m a junior in high school. My friends are thinking about college. My peers are getting their licenses. People come to school looking put-together. To be honest, I feel like a bit of an outsider. My mind is still stuck in a youthful, carefree world. I have no idea what I want to make of this lovely existence of mine. I’ve had my permit for almost a year, yet I’ve never even driven out of the parking lot. I don’t wear makeup, I don’t do my hair, I don’t plan my outfits–I come to school looking completely out of touch with my senses. Where can I find the drive and surety that everyone else seems to have? Or at least, how can I at least look like I’ve found it?

It’s as if my soul hasn’t aged at all. What junior in high school still feels giddy over playground equipment? I treasure my sense of childlike wonder, but it gets tiresome when I can’t snap out of it, find a work ethic, and start taking control of my life. Sooner or later, I’m going to have to learn to drive–I want to learn to drive. Eventually, I’ll need to find something to do with my life. I can’t spend the rest of my life on my neighborhood swing.

And the world moves too quickly for me. I need time. Lots of time. But that’s not how things work. I’m supposed to keep up and stick to the path. How can I? How can I, when I’ve completely lost my way? I don’t mean that in a sad or angsty way. My life is a beautiful thing, and I probably love it a bit too much. That’s the problem. I love my life so much that I’ve become completely and utterly directionless. If everybody else is running on the path, I’m deep in the forest catching butterflies and braiding leaves into my hair.

What is a girl like me to do?

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One thought on “A Directionless Soul

  1. One suggestion is perhaps just to value yourself and keep on keeping on. Sooner or later you’ll change…or not. You’re OK either way, in my opinion. A sense of wonder is to be valued. Often it’s lost in growing up. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. Love, Grandma

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