To some, on the outside, I appear to be preoccupied with variety. I can be endlessly enthusiastic and ready to jump into even the vaguest of opportunities. On the exterior, I am a restless, expansive, and endless girl who wouldn’t dream of settling down.
That could not be further from the truth. Deep down, I crave constancy–not in the sense that I live a bland, normal, stagnant existence–but in that I need an anchor. I want somewhere to come home to, emotionally and mentally speaking. When I let myself be silly and spontaneous, it’s not because I want the variety and excitement; it is because I want to strengthen and enrich the place where I have anchored myself. I have to belong. Compared to emotional security, variety and fresh opportunities mean nothing.
I have mentioned that, in the past, I have had difficulties with attachment and abandonment. It’s because I cling. Anchors are intensely important to me. I am a free-spirit at heart, but I do not waver in my loyalty or values. I am unafraid of commitment; once I have found my anchor, I will wholeheartedly plunge myself into steadfast devotion. In my body, I may flit around some, but in my soul, I am unmovable. And Lord knows my soul, not my body, has rule over me.
I am not far-reaching in my loyalties. Yes, I can be bubbly–but such is the trait of a fountain, not a river. I don’t search for great variety in relationships, connections, or values. Instead, I flourish and shine within my close element, my anchor. If I attempted to spread my enthusiasm and sparkle everywhere, I would burn out rapidly. I do not have the stamina or drive to do such a thing, so I often feel inconsistent in my polarized behavior. In a great many situations, I am described as quiet or even shy, but in others, such a statement would be laughable. I suppose the difference is intensity. I put the majority of my energy and enthusiasm into a very focused group or situation–my anchor–so I have little left to display for the majority of the world. I am intensive, not extensive.
Unless I remind myself of this, I sometimes feel like two different girls.