My relationship with the Lord is like an ocean. It’s wide, varied, volatile, and even a bit daunting at times. Most of all, it’s full of so much more than I know, teeming with life and mysteries I have yet to discover.
But, like the ocean, it ebbs and flows. Sometimes I’m overcome with love and devotion for God. Those are the times when I feel I’m at my best. When I’m in that flow, I become kind, principled, and tenacious. There are other times when I feel absolutely no connection, like I’m out in the middle of the sea on a blow-up raft from the clearance section at Target. Those are the times I feel wayward and selfish. Unfortunately, it seems that I live most of my life in that ebb, waiting for the tides to turn.
I like to remain independent and mildly skeptical. Admitting that I cannot live my life to the fullest without a higher power is humbling. But I simply can’t deny it anymore. I need God. I need Him desperately. It’s not even a choice – I believe it’s innate.
I have a great deal of emotional charge within me. For at least eight or nine years, I’ve had an intense need to connect. It isn’t romantic or sexual at all. It’s something else, something that nears on indescribable – which is rare for a writer. It buzzes inside me like a live wire and shocks me an electric force strong enough to render me speechless. I have to connect, to latch on. Trying to find that sort of connection in another human, cause, or worldly construct has only caused me heartache. I can’t escape it, either. God put it there, and it can only be satisfied by Him. If I can fully fill that need, great things will happen. I don’t know what yet, but there will be something.
For now, though, I feel like a sorry excuse for a daughter of God. Jesus was nailed to a cross, had stakes driven into him, and was publicly humiliated just so he could have a relationship with me, and what have I given him in return? Almost nothing. I only pray when I want something. If I had a friend who only talked to me when he or she wanted something, I’d cut ties with them. Yet God sticks around. He waits for me constantly, anticipating every word I say. He would give anything to talk to me, and I do nothing but ignore Him. The pain He must feel is unimaginable.
I’m tired of waiting around for the tides to turn, for that “raging fire for Jesus” feeling to return again. The only way I’ll ever have the relationship I want with God is to put the work in. I always wanted to be a successful blogger, but I never wrote anything. When I committed myself to daily blogging, my site activity skyrocketed. Maybe that’s how it has to work for God. I can’t wait around for vibes and fuzzy feelings. I’m going to have to do something.
I’m restless for God. I want to discover all the mysteries within this ocean we share. I want the confidence and surety I feel when I’m close to Him. No longer will I sit around waiting for the tides to turn.