I have published plenty of dud posts over the (almost) three years I’ve been regularly keeping this blog. I’m a writer, but I don’t claim to be a shining Tolstoy prodigy. If I wanted to, I could go back through 33 months of several hundred blog posts and delete everything I think isn’t stellar, yet I decide not to. Everything I’ve written, no matter its quality, creates the intricate web that is my past. Going back and ripping strands from that web would destroy it. But yesterday, for the first time in the history of Dauntlessly Cautious, I unpublished a post. It hasn’t been deleted – I could never bring myself to delete a piece of work I spent hours nurturing – but it has been reverted to a draft form, inaccessible to the public. It will remain that way.
I’m not shy about expressing my beliefs, especially when they’re written out. If I strongly believe something, I’ll fight for it. Sometimes, though, standing up for one’s beliefs can go too far, especially on the internet. Everything I write here can be viewed by anybody. Interestingly enough, I’m less concerned about strangers reading it than I am with people I actually know. Why? Because with people I know personally, my views might cause issues in real life. I don’t want to plant images of myself in other people’s minds that aren’t accurate. A stranger’s opinion, if thrown at me, would hurt like a pebble. The same opinion from somebody I love could be a boulder. It’s not that I don’t care about what strangers have to say, though- after all, future employers will see what I write, and I take great interest in my future. So, as much as I’d love to express my every opinion, it just isn’t possible.
I want to be seen accurately, and sometimes, I’m afraid that the way my ideas are presented don’t portray me for who I am. Maybe that’s the problem with being both introspective and image-conscious. I have a strong sense of who I am inside, and it distresses me when that is not how I am actually seen, or how I perceive that I am being seen. Moreover, I care about what messages I’m sending to the public. It’s not all about myself. What if I’ve lead somebody astray with something I’ve written? What if I’ve expressed an idea that could damage somebody? I strive very hard to be a role model for younger folk and a beacon of generational hope to the older folk. I’ve been put on this earth for a purpose, and I want to stay true to it. Thinking of misguiding a youth, or causing an older person to lose hope in my generation, causes me a great deal of distress. These are things I ponder and care very deeply about.
I’m going to put this behind me. All I can do now is make sure that my writing is true to what I want and believe while simultaneously being beneficial, or at least not detrimental, to others. This is my purpose, and I will live it out, willingly, to the best of my ability.