I read my Bible at least once a day, and I have a devotional every night before I go to bed. When I’m in the shower, I listen to worship music. When I’m trying to fall asleep, I think about God. The Lord has been inseparably wound into my daily life, but I don’t always feel emotionally connected. I know it’s not all about feelings, but for me, it is. Some people connect to God best when they’re deep in thought, but I connect when I’m lost in my heart. There is no relationship without tender feelings. When I don’t feel that connection, I start to wonder why I’m doing all of this anyway. Why do I even believe?
It’s certainly not because I believe that God is undoubtedly real. No, I’ve been a doubter since eighth grade; skepticism has a permanent place in my faith life. I strongly believe that God cannot be scientifically proven, and I just laugh at those who try to do so. Nor do I think he can be disproved. Well, if “existence” is defined as something that is undoubtedly verifiable by scientific means, then no, God does not “exist.”
So, why? I believe because I need somebody to be there for me. I need someone to listen to me when I’m angry at the world. I need to come running home to someone. I need someone to know what I think and feel before I even say it. I need a healer, a friend, a comforter, a protector. And God is all those things to me. My logical mind has no need for a deity, but my emotional self, which is most of me, is desperate for one.
If you asked me whether or not God was real, I would tell you yes, he is. He’ll never be real to me in a logical or scientific way. He doesn’t align with the human definition of existence, but he is real in my heart. My mind knows that he isn’t able to be proven, but my spirit knows that he’s up there somewhere, watching and loving. He’s real to my heart, and he exists there. And if it turns out that God really is nothing but a lovely fantasy, what have I lost? So far, the Lord has given me comfort, peace, and hope. He’s been what I always needed. I see no reason to terminate my beneficial relationship with him just because there is no scientific evidence of him whatsoever. That’s not how I operate. If something helps me, I hold it close, no matter how absurd it may be.
God–whoever, whatever, and wherever he is–is my friend. I love and honor him, regardless of what my rational self knows to be true, because there is more than logic in this world. God exists on some plain, on some level. It just isn’t one we as humans can really define or describe.